In the very recent past I had the experience of having to have someone help me get dressed, get my dish from the cupboard, help me in & out of the tub, prepare my meals, wash my clothes, help me in and out of a wheelchair, drive me around to doctor appointments, and basically take care of me as one would a child. This loss of Independence was hard to swallow and I can honestly say I deeply grieved my inability to take care of myself.
My deepest fear of becoming a burden to my loved ones seemed to be coming true. I know that my loved ones are the type of people who have willingly step up to be supportive. And I realize that part of my journey is to let people support me (like I have a choice). If I'm dependent on others to take care of me, then they also have the power to influence how my day goes. This loss of freedom was tough for me to surrender to. But surrender I did and as always things seem to work out.
Now that I am up and moving around again, I want to do as much as I can with my body before I loose it again. I don't know when I may end up back in that position. So far the medications are working, and I'm intending on staying this way. Having said that, I know that nothing is promised. So if I can run today, then so be it! I'm going to run. I feel a deep NEED to keep moving. I'm afraid that if I stop for too long, my body will being to break down again.
Someone once told me that 'Fear is a lack of Faith'. Once again I'm connected to having 'faith' that I can handle whatever this disease brings my way.
This is a wonderful account of the experience of going from athletic and driven to disabled and awakened to this moment ...not that you didn't have awakenings before ...
ReplyDeleteIt is strange when I think of it, that we first met when I was athletic and charging through life and, over the year we worked together, I moved into sudden minor disability and, within 10 months, was in a wheelchair. Oh how I related to the struggle you talk about above!! The mental, emotional and spiritual struggle was, I found, harder than the physical. I look forward to following your blog T-L!
This is a wonderful account of the experience of going from athletic and driven to disabled and awakened to this moment ...not that you didn't have awakenings before ...
ReplyDeleteIt is strange when I think of it, that we first met when I was athletic and charging through life and, over the year we worked together, I moved into sudden minor disability and, within 10 months, was in a wheelchair. Oh how I related to the struggle you talk about above!! The mental, emotional and spiritual struggle was, I found, harder than the physical. I look forward to following your blog T-L!
I appreciate your comment Diana, you have so much to share with the world! If I end up in a wheelchair, I'll deal. But it's not my preference that's for sure!
ReplyDeleteI am following your blog and I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being so candid and so open with your experiences. And it is truly helping me to understand my daughter better and the struggles that she goes through that only she Understands. I try to get her to open up to me more but she will only go so far. Now that you are sharing this it really is helping better understand her internal struggles.
ReplyDeleteIt's a risk for me to be so open. I've decided that in the end... I'm safe. I'm totally here to listen if you ever want! Thanks for following!
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