Love is the opening door...

Last year, a boy came to my home and stole my car. A few days later, he had smashed that vehicle into another car & totalled it. He ran away and the police never caught him.  I went to the junk yard to identify my car and to see about recovering any lost items. The car was littered with needles & crack pipes. There were MacDonalds bags everywhere. There were articles of clothing, and I can't explain but I just knew that this was a young guy who was very lost.

That was over a year ago, and often that young man pops into my thoughts. Not in anger, but with wonder.  I have often wished I could reach out to him, to hold his hand & to show him that there is another way to live this life.

Today, in meditation I had a vision of that boy who stole my car.  The song I posted was in my mind, it was playing in the background. I was able to hold his hand & look deeply into his eyes.  I let him look back into mine.  I saw myself living another life. A life of suffering & struggle. Looking back into my eyes, he saw himself living another life. A life of love & profoundly deep peace.  There were no words exchanged.

That boy is living his own consequences of a self-made reality full of pain & suffering.  

Hatred, and anger cannot heal suffering.

Only love can do that.

Those are more than just profound words, they are a truth that our society can practice right now!

Until we give our love, there’s really nothing more that we can do but live in the endless cycle of suffering.

In the words of Elton John,

“Love is the opening door, Love is what we came here for.

No one could offer you more.

Do you know what I mean?

Have your eyes really seen?”

I can only liberate myself.  But by opening my own consciousness to love, perhaps I can give others permission to do the same.

Where in my life have I offered fear and resistance, and how can I offer more love?

Today I will look for opportunities to share the peace that is in my heart.

Hi! I'm back!

I have been on a journey this past year.

I apologize to all of you who had initially signed up to read my blog about my journey with Dermatomyositis.   I realize that I have just dropped off and stopped writing.

The truth is, I just didn't want to dwell on my illness. And even writing about it, felt as though I was giving it attention.

Today, I am off all of my medications. I am considered to be in remission.

I want to re-purpose this writing area as a means to share my current experiences.

I have struggled with being vulnerable online.

I have in the past noticed that when I receive feedback for my points of view, I tend to want to turtle into myself & shut down.

I have been guided many times by spirit to share my thoughts.  

So today, is the day.

Today, I have had a profound awareness that who I am is so much more than my 'flesh suit'.  

My body has been healing.

I feel shy to share in chat groups who are for people who struggle with the same disease that I have.

I have had a hard time sharing my success.

I find most people like to stay victimized, and are offended when confronted with someone who looks at the illness a little differently.

Anyway, I intend to move forward, selecting various topics to blog about.  The purpose is to simply share my personal & unique journey. 

To share my gifts.

Ohm Shanti - in peace,

Toni-Lee

Going with the flow...

Day Two of clean eating. Today I did yoga! This is rather a big deal, because the last time I tried yoga I had to stop. I had been totally devastated by my bodies inability to move like it used to. I have avoided doing yoga because of that.  Today, I found that while I am definitely still limited it is not nearly as difficult as before. Or, I should say that it is still quite difficult, but perhaps it's not as emotionally charged as it was before.

Anyway, because of all of the 'clean eating', I started it off with a headache, but determined to get a few things done today.  I started to storm ahead and get stuff done (as I usually do), but today my son asked me to go for a visit to the neighbors with my husband while they delivered home made bird feeders.

Looking at my son & husband I decided to drop what I was 'doing' and join them in the adventure.  I am certain I made the best decision, and was treated to some good quality time.  We ventured through our neighbors land and had tea with them.  It was a treat to be a part of it. 

I did find that all of the walking absolutely tired me out, as I've been recovering from an infection,  and taking antibiotics.  I am right now sitting with a neck brace on, as the muscles in my neck are too 'tired' to hold my head up. 

I've spent the last couple of hours playing on the computer with my son, attempting to get to 'his level' and see what he finds funny, what he enjoys.  We watched a bunch of Weird Al Yankovich videos, and he quite enjoys the Trump parody videos on YouTube.  He's such a funny kid, with a great sense of humor.

Even though I didn't get as much 'cleaning' done today, I have allowed my body to relax & rest.   I'm working on 'allowing' for more days like this.

Just Write already

I have been experiencing Dermatomyositis symptoms again since September 2016.

Life has been busy, and I have been run down and sick since the middle of December.  In Mexico I obtained some antibiotics for a throat and ear infection. I thought I had it beat, until  I had a Rituxan treatment at the U of A in Edmonton last week.  Since then I have had a fever, headache, sore throat, and can't seem to stop sleeping since. I went to the walk in clinic on Monday and was tested for influenza, had blood cultures taken, chest x-rays.  Everything came back normal, except my white blood count is high.  So they've put me on an antibiotic.. again.

I think the chemotherapy suppressed my immune system and has allowed for the infection in my body to run rampant.

My family doctor recommended that I miss my weekly Methotrexate dosage until I get this infection under control, and she suggested that I also consider not doing my second Rituxan treatment.  I put a call into my Rhumatologist, and he had an interesting perspective.

He said, "I don't think it makes a difference one way or the other.  I'll leave the decision to you, if you're sick and feverish, postpone the chemo." 

I've been dealing with feeling quite awful, and I'm ready to take steps to feeling better.

Life of the Party!

Saturday afternoon, and it's quietly raining out in the country.  The boys are downstairs playing video games, and I'm keeping an eye on my newly spayed & neutered puppies.  The laundry machine is clanking away, and a local Bluejay has taken it upon himself to make our balcony to be HIS territory.  As I type this, I am watching him strut his stuff around. He knows he's got the stuff!

My soon to be husband is out in his own personal playground, taking care of business out at the golf course.

I find myself feeling mischievous today, and have a desire to have some fun.  I have been daydreaming about learning to play the electric guitar and writing my own punkrock song.  I would write a punkrock song about quiet rainy afternoons in the country.  It would go something like...

"WE COULD MAKE THIS RAIN MORE RAINY....

SO JUST STOP BEING SO COMPLAINEY....

IT COULD BE WORSE, NOW DON'T MISTAKE ME....

PUPPIES AINT NEVER GONNA HAVE NO BABIES...

BLUEJAYS BETTER NOT BE SPREADING RABIES..."

 or.. something like that.

The personal lesson I achieved from the writing of this epic song?  Some days (No... everyday) a gal just needs to be the life of her own party!

Some days are like that..

Today I woke up with a migraine. Some days are like that.  I blame it on the weather & Methotrexate. For those of you who don't know what Methotrexate is CLICK HERE.

I take my Methotrexate via injection every Wednesday.  Today it hurt. Usually it's fine, but today for some reason I just wasn't into it. The thing is though, I want to have a better attitude when it comes to taking my medicine.  But I've noticed things, like my hair is turning brittle and has been falling out in clumps.

How do I feel about this?

Sad.  Yes, I feel sad about that.

And yet, I also feel pride.  Because I know that living an amazing life has nothing to do with the status of my hair.  I feel so shallow even writing about feeling sad over... hair.

There are so many other incredible problems I could be having, so yucky hair is totally minor.

On my walk in the woods today, I met the neighbor! I've been trying to run into the neighbor for months now, and today was the day I finally did.  She has invited me to tea, and I MUST take her up on that.

See... already on to the good stuff!

Medicority versus Simplicity

Wandering in the woods today, and was lost in thinking about my life and how I'm living it.  As of late, I feel I have been blessed beyond abundance with the ability to enjoy the simple things in life.  I have spent the past several months, purging, cleaning, re-purposing & donating all sorts of items in my house.  The journey has been quite therapeutic in that it's allowed me to be present with the 'things' left in my life. I am no longer distracted by the 'clutter' and business of my environment. 

Not only has my environment been simplified, so to has my daily routine.  I take pleasure in the routine of daily house chores, walking the puppies, morning meditations, giving my best effort at work & savoring quality time with my family & friends.

Now... enters my left brain that says, "You should be doing more with your life. You are living mediocrity. You should have written a book by now. You should be making a bigger impact on the world...."

Should I?

I meditated on these things whilst in the woods today, and for quite some time. I've come to the conclusion that I am actually truly LIVING my life.  When I am present, and have fully arrived to the abundance of this moment, I am 'living'.

I do believe that I could be doing more to 'share' the goodness that flows from my life.  I do believe that in the process of 'healing' from sickness, I've hidden parts of myself away.  I had originally started this blog initially as a way to 'make a difference', and I think I put way to much pressure on myself. 

I've decided I'm just going to be me & write about my daily experiences, because that in itself is worthy to note. I live a very fortunate life, which I have masterfully created.

As so let the journey begin.